CORPORAL PUNISHMENT IT IS? LET’S FUCKING DO IT RIGHT.

By Brian Nzomo

Since the MoE intends to sanction the re-introduction of corporal punishment(validate what has always existed on the ground), I have some reservations meant to ensure a smooth glide of this policy :

1. Teachers who would be expected to handle the caning should be qualified. Not in academic content, but in a specially introduced formula of evaluation.
   • They have to be male. No females. No in-betweens. Just hot-blooded males.
   • They have to be dark-skinned men with perfect hideous faces enough to inspire terror. No light-skinned males. These ones are incongruent with stern actions, according to a report by Kariobangi psychological association.
   • Height should be 6’6 at best. Muscle strength should be well-assessed by relevant medics. Weaklings and dwarfs are unsuitable for this haughty job. They are however allowed to be verbal tormentors when the beating progresses on.
2. Every school needs to build a special ‘infirmary’ where exorcist flogging should be carried out. It is here discipline would be infused in caring doses and a student will be nursed back to ‘sanity’. The ministry should send officials every month to ensure these rooms are well-maintained to foster fear. Black-polished walls, dankly smelling with half-ventilation and preferably stuffy.
3. The canes to be used should be of the right quality to ensure equity of discipline. We do not wish for an occasion where some canes are too lenient than others. The school shall be provided with a variety of choices. Pipes, bamboo sticks and gas tubes. Nothing else is allowed. The government shall fully provide these canes in replenishable abundance. Our policy makers are now ensuring massive tracts of land are cultivated for the extensive growing of bamboo plantations. Gas tubes shall also be well stocked as Kenyans are unable to purchase gas cylinders in these tough times. Tenders are also granted to interested cane suppliers.
4. KRA should introduce a special discipline tax in all taxpayers’ monies to stably fund this new affirmation to discipline our students. Let all Kenyans pull resources to ensure corporal discipline is done unwaveringly. It shouldn’t face financial fallout.
5. Teachers will be expected to record their disciplinary fetes in sheets provided on the TSC website. This will help track the progression of discipline in schools and assess the exercise. Teachers countrywide are expected to record CBC bulshit, why not this crucial addition to their portfolio? We are also calling on Macharia to see to it that a special discipline allowance is given to teachers purveying this government exercise. It would also be important for an award to be set for the most outstanding discipline-instiller.
6. A special committee should be set and chaired by the education PS. It should ensure all the suggested points are implemented and adequately fund the exercise, assess budgets and oversee reports which will be submitted annually to parliament. The committee shall also organize benchmarking exercises for its members in countries abroad to observe how they discipline their students.
7. A special unit course should be introduced to the universities and teachers’ colleges to inoculate future teachers with skills to handle real corporal discipline.

In the light of all these, it is a pleasure for me to amiably state that “If corporal discipline has to be reintroduced, it has to be reintroduced right!!”