THE MAGIC OF BUTT.

By Brian Nzomo

Currently, there is one subtle religion rivaling Christianity in this country. Islam? No. It’s called Adonitology. The ass-worshipping cult. Ass? You mean donkeys? Don’t be stupid man. I mean ass. Like buttocks. Matako. Diabz. Matanye. Duba. Rasa. Or as our coastal lingo goes…Msondo.

What? How can Kenyans, in the midst of this economic turbulence, worship two ugly-looking pounds of flesh conjoined in a valley of shit. No wonder we are lost. That is why murder is skyrocketing. And economic despair remains unhinged. We have long ceased worshipping the Jewish Zombie and his maniacal father, we are worshipping flesh. Something that can be destroyed by fire, old age and disease.

But Kenyans are unapologetic adonitologists. Women’s butts are driving men crazy. The vicissitudes of Naliaka’s butts as she cleans the woofer for ten minutes in front of mwenye nyumba, Baba Junior. The callipygian English and Literature Miss Kalasa. Mama mboga’s mzigo veiled mysteriously inside that Jubilee leso. Akinyi from house number B10 always strutting around her balcony in her blue jeans outlining her colossal posterior. Butt. Butts. Everywhere, butts.

On social media, the first thing you encounter after logging in on Instagram, is a smooth caramel-complexioned butt marinated with droplets of water, peeking out alluringly from a scanty red bikini. The timeline is endlessly choking with butt. Different butts. Black butts. White butts. Somali butts. Mombasa butts. Even non-existent Kiuk butts are squabbling for attention. It is horrifying.

In Facebook, women poorly edit their butts. They’ve got to force it. They curve their pictures so badly that we can see the curvature of the wall in the background. And men in both apps are doing the unimaginable. Professing fake love, displaying their randy nature, filling DMs with cheesy, cliched pick-up lines. All in the hope of monopolizing those butts and humping on them as they give these women the best ten seconds of their lives.

You see all these flashy cars zipping around Thika superhighway. Let me tell you. Those women behind those wheels are loaded. Bank accounts? No. Loaded with meat. Fatty meat. Men have spanked those jiggly matanyez with wads of dollars. And other unfortunate women knows this, and they are jealous. They ask God every Sunday why he was so mean. Why did he grant Farida an immeasurable luggage, and only granted her a plum sized one? But like other woke Christians, she understands that god doesn’t give humans brains for nothing. She visits a dingy building in downtown CBD where Dr. Marete would ‘fanyia her ukarabati’. If things go well, she would join the league of those Adonis goddesses who have made men all over the country spend cash, simp and kill for butt.

Butt. How powerful is the butt. You see, nothing in this country moves anymore for a woman without butt. When interviewers tell a female interviewee to stand up and shut the door behind her, they use these precious five seconds to analyse the potentiality of her contract. Whoa! If it’s bigger than life, she lands it. If it’s small, she might as well eff off.
Female politicians know the power of butt. Omanga knows there is no shortage of men who would vote for her unanimously if she shakes that gazoonga butt of hers. And this being a patriarchal society, many women in marriages especially, vote in whom their husbands vote in.

I want to understand the science of butt. What is so captivating about butt? Boys in high school literally knocked each others’ teeth off, each one of them desiring to be grind on by the chic from Tala Girls who had the biggest diabz in the entire Eastern region. What is this magnet that lays within the gluteal region of a woman? Why do men break their necks, regardless of age or status, whenever a vacillating butt passes by. And in their minds, an involuntary song croons, “Nairobi, Mombasa, Nairobi, Mombasa, Nairobi, Mombasa” as the eyes drown into the seesaw motions.

Perhaps I’ll never understand. Boob guys like me can never comprehend the magic of butt. But butt! What’s so mesmerizing about the Butt?